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a letter for zach

from by old gray

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I still remember the hotel room where I sat.
Fleeing the hand that gripped you.
I gave you words,
they were inadequate. Couldn't admit that I abandoned you.
My fear grew, ever stronger. My delusion cast about me, a blanket to my conscious mind. And my paradise lies in blankets and smoke.

Remember when we were all smiles, blind to reality.
I sat with eyes closed for awhile. As if days don't turn to months.
Except, I forgot it ends like this.
Blue veins, cracked upon a pale surface.
Did you smile one last time, as you closed your eyes?

Because, I don't want to close my eyes anymore. I want to be whole again, how the fuck do I get there?
I've lost what it means to be a person. Haven't been reading enough to know the right words, so I keep mine to myself.
Just thought I'd take this chance. Say I'm sorry.

So one more cigarette, one more breath in between,
one more drink,
one more hit.
Hopefully take the breath out of me.
Counting seconds to minutes as you slip away.

You were going to be someone.
We all I knew I, was supposed to be the one. Found on a cold tile floor.
The vibrance of your being seemed so foreign, as you lay there.

I still keep the card scott gave in my pocket so I never leave your side again.
Each day, find myself asking what would have been if I was there? Again.
I should never have been there in the first place.


from slow burn, released December 9, 2016



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Old Gray New Hampshire

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